1:15 p.m. - 08.29.2004
You don't really want to read this
This is really just for me, to write to make myself feel better, but if you want to read it, go ahead. It might not make much sense and there will be lots of self pity/whining and non-sensical ramblings.
1. I hate myself for letting Him back into my life. It's the same as always. Things seem great for a while, even a long while. I see him every week. We talk, we laugh, we fuck and it's all great. No expectations on my part, just looking forward to our time together. Not thinking that it means anything more than it does. "Our relationship is what it is," both of us say and I even mean it. But then he pulls the usual crap, the making and breaking of plans. The blow off. The self-pity. And then of course I'm the Bitch if I say anything about it, so I don't. I try to ignore it. I say I won't call him and I won't answer the phone when he calls (and he always does). It's truly some sort of sickness with us. We're both better off without the other but the silences never last. I swear to myself over and over again, "This is the last time," but it never can be. Why? Am I that needy/insecure/pathetic? It appears that when it comes to him I am and it makes me hate myself. (but the truth is when i think of never, ever seeing him again i want to die, plain and simple.)
2. I'm so confused about what I want. I have this opportunity to move away to another state and go to school for free, all the way through a Ph.D if I choose. I was completely convinced it was the right thing to do before but now I have no idea. I've made a list of pros and cons. I know financially it would save me from being constantly broke. But there are certain people I can't imagine not being able to see everyday. And at this moment it's a certain person but I can't base a huge life decision on someone else. Someone whom I may never again progress beyond the "just friends" stage. Sure, I *may* be in love with him, but I'm truly not sure from minute to minute. He could just be a place to put my feelings so I can keep them away from H. (the Him from above who can never truly love anyone but himself). Oh, and yes, there are two different boys. The "ex" and the "I don't know."
3. Sometimes I miss the clarity my cancer gave me and sometimes in the shower, in my bed, in my car, I actually MISS my cancer. I know it sounds sick, but it cleared so much for me, made me so sure I had to fight it and made me sure I wanted to be alive. Now I live in limbo, sometimes going so far as to will it back to me. It's disgusting, I know. But it just made everything so clear and living inside my brain these days is like trying to cut through a jungle with a spoon. All vines and muck and big, scary creatures in the night. I read an article on post-cancer depression and I sure have it.
Ugh, how much do I hate me right now? Answer: tons. If I was someone I knew I'd stay as far away from me as possible. :)
I've been listening to The Eels a lot lately. Good old Mr. E always makes me feel better. I'm trying to make this song my theme song instead of submerging myself in depressive (The Cure, Chappaquiddick Skyline, etc.) music, which is the first sign of the onset of my bi-polarness.
