12:27 a.m. - 07.23.2004
\"She could lift me\"
Had an insanely beautiful night that started with me crying after watching an older episode of Six Feet Under. It was the one from season two where Nate finally admits to David at the very end that he's got that disease. It was intense, especially for me.
Anyway...my friend C. came over so we could make something on the computer he needed. It turned out rather bizaare, which means it's good but I can't explain how. It wouldn't be the same.
After we were done he picked up the book he gave me for my birthday and read several pages to me. The book is by this woman writer that reaches right down inside you and takes you somewhere else, to another fucking place you've been to a million times before that's also a place you've never even thought could exist. Reality/fantasy parallel.
I feel like I can write again now.
The pages were all about her masturbating on a plane and then it went into a fantasy that he told me takes you right into the plot of the book. It was transcendent.
Then we talked about writing some more in a way that I haven't talked about writing in a long time. I fucking connected to it tonight and it feels really good. Sometimes I'm jealous of what goes on inside his brain.
I'm in a weird, but good place. I feel so close to him after talks like tonight, and I want it to stay that way. I don't want to mess it up by getting too inside my head, thinking things between us would be better if they were different. Things evolve as they need to, you can't force evolution. I don't want to be a mad scientist. I lack the perseverance.
We can just stay this way forever as far as I'm concerned. I can save the physical for (an)other(s) and get the mental from him.
I think he's really still in love with a dead woman anyway, I'm the substitute that pulled through it all. Well, not even a substitue, just a channel, really.
