10:07 p.m. - 03.14.2004
\"She don't believe in his dreams anymore\"
This was a real shitter of a weekend. I woke up Friday morning feeling like I was swallowing glass. I was coughing, had a terrible headache and kept getting the chills. I left work early and went to the doctor to find out I had bronchitis, a sinus infection and a fever of 101 degrees. The good news was that I didn't have strep throat like I feared (I tend to get it a lot). I went to Walgreens and spent $70 on 3 presriptions and then sat around feeling sorry for myself and watching DVDs. So, I couldn't get my tattoo worked on and I missed the Friday night party. I also missed free front row tickets to the Marijuana-Logues.
Saturday I woke up feeling worse than ever. This morning I still felt horrible, which caused me to again miss free front row tickets.
Being sick wasn't the worst part of the weekend, though. I realized Friday that what I've been hoping for is never going to happen. What I thought was going on between the boy and I apparently isn't. Apparently I was just a fountain of information for his obsession with death. Yep, I was always just cancer to him, my sickness was the only reason he was around me. I found this all out in a round about way that is entirely my own fault. I wish I didn't know but it's my own fault that I do. I don't know how I'm going to act when I see him again. I guess I have to pretend that nothing's wrong. I feel really fucking sad about the whole thing and I feel like crawling into a deep, deep hole and never coming out again.
And, to top it all off, the one thing I was counting on for Sunday to make everything okay for just a little while didn't happen. It's all just way too familiar. The disappointment, the broken words.
I spent a lot of time wondering if it would have been better if the cancer thing had just been the end. I know it's a stupid thing to think, ridiculous and dramatic. But it's how I've been feeling the past few days. I spent a lot of time crying on Friday night and this cloud doesn't feel like it's going away anytime soon.
Dreams Anymore by The Magnetic Fields
"He put his fist through the window and his foot through the door, cause she don't believe in his dreams anymore. No, she don't believe in his dreams anymore, and what's more, she's probably right. So he drives through the night with his foot to the floor, cause she don't believe in his dreams anymore. Better hopelessly single than hopelessly poor, and she don't believe in his dreams anymore. No, she don't believe in his dreams anymore, and what for? They just drag you down. If she's stuck in this town she can work in the store, but she won't believe in his dreams anymore."
