12:40 a.m. - 02.07.2004
more than any other night or day so far
Cold out tonight, walking the block from my car to my front door, and it feels good. I'm smiling and looking up to top windows. A tiny Christmas tree with blue lights glows down to me. The sky is cloudy and no stars shine through. But I can feel them from the inside. A night on his couch, tiny chocolate cookies and silly bits. My toes are freezing and my fingers are freezing and big trucks drive down the boulevard outside his window, spreading salt, making me anxious. But I'm happy, I sit there with a stupid grin on my face, and he starts to nod off like a little boy, like he always does at this time of night. His chin falls down a little and heavy lids close over those big green eyes. He wakes up now and then to laugh at the movie. I can hear the dog drink out of the toliet and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to just be breathing tonight. (and i want this more than ever, more than any other night or day so far, but it keeps feeling like this everyday, the warmth inside my chest swells bigger and bigger...)
