9:55 p.m. - 02.05.2004
I'm a cross-eyed nun!
I'm having a tired day. It's one of those post-radiation days that hit me so hard when they happen. In the middle of the day, even though I hadn't done much of anything, I had to immediately lay down before I collapsed. I haven't been getting enough rest and today is proof that it's still extremely important that I do. I'm going to make sure I'm in bed by 11 or so, I have to work in the morning and I don't want to be tired. I've been trying to keep up with my "healthy" lifestyle and I'm doing okay but I can always do more. I didn't really get much exercise this week, I didn't even do my yoga, but I've been eating my fruits and veggies, etc.
I'm still grateful to be home, still excited but scared about classes starting next week, still feeling so excited about the feelings that I have for that boy, feelings that I haven't felt in years.
When I look at myself in the mirror it's still me but I feel different but I'm not sure if I can explain how. I was at an old friend's house the other night, I hadn't seen him for several months before the cancer thing started, so I guess it must have been about 7 months. He wanted to talk about the cancer and how horrible he felt when he found out, how it should never have happened to me, etc. I tried to explain to him that it was good I went through it, that I almost needed to go through it. I tried to explain that I think I brought it to me, that something had to change in my life. I was begging for change, I was begging for things to be different. Living your life for instant gratification, without a reason to be better, isn't a good way to live. It's not like I found god for fuck's sake, but I did find me. Does that sound stupid? Yea, I know it does. I couldn't really explain it to him, but I think he doesn't want to understand. A lot of people have been like that when I try to say yea, cancer was fucking horrible and painful and terrifying, but it was also beautiful. People view you a certain way and if you change they don't want to know about it. They want to continue to relate to you as you were, as they were. Change is scary to a lot of people. I hope I don't sound like one of those self-help books or anything, but I fucking mean it all, I really do.
One thing I have been bad about is the shopping. Ever since I found out I'm getting that big tax refund check I've been buying shit like crazy. Some stuff I need and some if purely just fun crap. I ordered a sweet new bra, lube & some sex toys and I'm contemplating some boots. Hey, I've been living like a nun since all of my surgeries so I figured I better make my own fun until I can have sex again, right? My nun days are over when the UPS man brings me that box wrapped in plain brown wrapping next week! But seriously folks, I've never gone this long without sex before, that's the worst part of the cancer. I think I'm starting to go cross-eyed!
For the fun and the good times, here's a picture of the bra I ordered. It's one of those fun shelf bras with the cut-out cups that I've always wanted. Don't worry, I swear I won't be wearing my hair like the woman in the picture!
