3:55 p.m. - 02.01.2004
No rabbit, rabbit for me
Last night's party was fun, but I'm starting to question myself, him (what am I thinking, what am I doing, what if I'm wrong about what I'm thinking and doing--these questions that led me to commit the ultimate sin of late night what-if's long past when I should have been asleep). Why is my happiness so easily replaced by doubt, especially at night, especially when lying in the dark with my eyes open? Feh. Must remember everything that's occurred over the past 5 months and relish the good things, right?
But that party...I talked to a lot of cool people I never met before, was mesmorized by a variety of accents, had more than one drink for the first time in 5 months and heard Blossom Dearie for the first time in his car on the way home. It's nice being driven around by a boy. I like being there when he needs help. I like all of his crazy phone calls. And I like him in my shower.
People have been saying things this week about how "strong" I've been and how much "courage" I have. They're not words I would use to describe these times. I'm at an odd place with it all. I'm scrambled, can you tell?
I forgot to say "rabbit, rabbit" this morning (instead I said, "Hello?"). My favorite guitar playing boy says it's supposed to bring you good luck. You're supposed to say "rabbit, rabbit" in the morning before you say anything else on the first of every month. It's supposed to bring you extra good luck if you do it on January 1. I didn't.
But here's a photo of my favorite guitar player, the jinxed superstitious one:
I took this one in April or March of '99 in Madison, WI. The show was amazing, it was one of 5 (I think) that we saw in like 6 days. Hotel rooms are fun.
Now that I have this new fancy scanner and digital camera I suspect I'll be posting more of my dumb photos.
I'm having cravings for something/someone bad.
