11:51 a.m. - 01.15.2004
We CAN do it! (heh)
I'm feeling all positive again. Whew! I don't like me much when I'm all crabby and poor, poor me-ish.
I talked to H. a bunch yesterday and he always makes me feel good and laugh. I'll be so glad when I'm home and we're only a few blocks away. Then there can be quick get togethers without all this silly planning I have to do now.
My big goal (ha!) is to finish the book I'm reading before I move home next week. In some ways it's just so easy to be here, I don't really have to worry about much. It's like being a kid again. My mom cooks, does the laundry, cleaning people come every week, I don't have to pay bills. But it will be worth some stress to have my freedom again. My mom is just so negative about everything, not all of the time but really most of the time. I hate it and I wish I could help her somehow. She seems so miserable most of the time. She's so freaking bored, that's the problem. She doesn't work, never has, really, outside of the house I mean. When I was a kid there were 5 girls to take care of and clean up after and stuff. But now most days she just sits around the house all day. My dad calls her the hermit and tries to joke around to get her in a good mood, but it doesn't ususally work. I feel like one of the high school diarylanders, complaining about my mother.
The book I'm reading now is all about healing and how you create your world with your thoughts. I really need to work on changing my thought patterns 'cause lots of them are fuuccked up. I constantly berate myself for doing stupid things both past and present, not being good enough, deserving the bad stuff I get, etc. Look there I go again, berating myself. Heh. That was a joke. Anyway, I'm working on it. The main thing I need to do is to learn to live in the present and stop obsessing about the past.
