9:42 p.m. - 01.12.2004
The Opposite of Intact
VAGINAL DILATORS
"Vaginal dilators are recommended for use after pelvic radiation therapy for any woman who is not sexually active or for those women who stop being sexually active at anytime in her life after receiving pelvic radiation. Following radiation therapy, scar tissue may form which narrows the vagina or forms webbing across the canal. Dilators are designed to keep the vagina open without causing discomfort. This will help decrease discomfort and pain during pelic examinations and/or future sexual relations/intercourse."
Fucking wonderful, huh? This is part of the text on an "informational" sheet I received from the doctor on my last day of radiation. I also received 3 "dilators" (read: the hardest, most uncomfortable dildos ever). The dilators come in 4 sizes: extra small, small, medium and large. I got the extra small, small and medium.
"The dilator can be inserted in either a lying or a standing position. You may either lie in bed with knees bent or stand with one foot up on a stop, stool or the toliet. Both positions allow for relatively easy access to the vaginal area. If you think you will not be able to insert the dilator, please let your nurse know."
Well, I can insert the extra small. Hell, I moved right onto the small. Think one of those extra small tampons and that's the small. It's REALLY small. Nowhere near a real penis or even a real dildo. You know, the nice dildos. Like perhaps the pink jelly ones or the purple glitter ones. The ones that are made to feel like a real dick, they're nice and bendy and soft. They're not hard pieces of while plastic that make you feel like a disgusting freak.
"Leave the dilator in place for 15 minutes. It should not be uncomfortable and you should not feel pain when the dilator is in place."
I tried to use the medium dilator tonight. I wanted to move towards like I could someday be normal again, like I wasn't going to turn into one of those women who didn't like sex. But it hurt. It hurt so bad. I couldn't even get it a tenth of the way in. Just the rounded end made me want to scream. I stopped and just started crying. Sex has always been a very big thing in my life. I've always been very sexual and now I'm afraid I'm going to lose that part of myself. And I can't talk to anyone about it, certainly not any of these fucking doctors that I've been seeing. I already feel like a nun. This has been the longest I've gone without sex since I started having it. But, hey, at least the cancer didn't kill me right? So far it's just ripped my fucking heart right out of my body.
"Remove the dilator after 15 minutes and rinse it with soap and water. You may notice a very small amount of blood streaking the dilator when you take it out the first few times. Please notify the doctor or nurse if you have any difficulty using the dilator or have any increased bleeding or pain."
No blood, just pain. They took everything out of me so there will never be any blood ever again. I'm stripped of it all.
"Use the dilator 3 times a week unless you are sexually active more than 3 times a week."
I guess this means forever? Nobody told me anything like this when I was told I would have to have radiation. I think if I could take it back I would. Sometimes I wish it had all just taken it's course, like I would rather have just died, intact. Now I'm the opposite of intact and I don't know which is worse.
