9:41 a.m. - 01.09.2004
Cracking Up Again
I'm sort of over the violent self-pity of yesterday. Just sort of, though. What does all that crying get you anyway? A swollen face and a headache.
I had horribley violent dreams last night and I woke myself up because I was sobbing so hard. I dreamt I worked at some office and someone came in with a gun and was trying to kill everyone. Somehow my 9 year-old niece was there and she got murdered. It was fucking horrible. I woke up sore all over with a headache.
I dyed my hair last weekend and it's not what I wanted. In fact I would go so far as to say it's ugly. It's all yellowy. That's what happens when you have your hair dyed for years and then go back to the home method. I'm actually thinking I want to do something very different, like brown or red. But everytime I dye it darker than my natural color I end up hating it. I'm thinking like a reddish brown and maybe I could leave out some of the blonde parts. My hair is short again for the first time in years so I should get to have some fun dying it different colors, right?
I've been spending a lot of time reading different stuff to try to formulate an idea for a play. I think maybe I'm trying too hard because every time I think I might be onto something it just goes away. A friend told me I just have to "let it happen" and he's right, but I'm having a hard time just letting anything "happen." I'm on the path of obsessive thinking again, where a certain thing/person/idea is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep each night. That's why I have to go to sleep to the TV every night, to try and block my thoughts. Yea, that reminds me of that Screeching Weasel song, too. I have that thing now where I talk outloud to a person who isn't there, all the time. The person varies between 2 people and it's either "I hate you/I love you." Fucking nuts. By the way, how hot is Mos Def in that Alicia Keys video? I pretty much have to mute it to watch it, but it's worth it. BET rules.
