5:29 p.m. - 01.08.2004
Fucking Shoot Me Now
I was really, really angry earlier but now it's subsided to just being very, very sad and sick to fucking death of all this bullshit. I was supposed to see the oncologist today, to find out what the plan is, to see what other tests I have to do, to get some relief this whole situation. I show up at the hospital AGAIN today and they tell me that I don't have an appointment. They tell me it was December 8, not January 8, at 2 pm and I was a "no show." Um, no. I was supposed to see the stupid fucking oncologist AFTER my treatments were over, which was yesterday, so how could it have been fucking December 8 when I was in the middle of the joy that has been my treatments???? So now I have to wait until January 20th to find out what they're going to do to torture me next. I am soooo sick to death of all of this. My life has revolved around nothing else for 4 months now and I cannot take it anymore. Today I can't be fucking "positive" & "strong." I'm sick of it. I'm angry and I've been crying for 3 1/2 hours. I have a headache and my eyes hurt. I tried watching The Family Guy to cheer myself up and even that wouldn't work.
My mother oh so helpfully said, "It's not that big of a deal, it's only a few more weeks" and I flipped out in the hallway outside the doctor's office. Sure, it's no big deal to anyone else. Nobody else realizes what a fucking job it is to psyche yourself up to sit in another doctor's office to try to remain "positive." To swallow a zillion pills a day. To peel off your burnt skin everyday feeling like a fucking scaley monster. To apply 4 different creams to your ass and crotch 5 times a day. To feel like your on fire everytime you pee. To be exhausted all times of the day. To lay awake at night and wonder when it's going to come back and how long you've got. To paste a smile on your face so no one else feel uncomfortable. To know you'll never be the same again, knowing you'll always be less than a woman. Sure, it's no big deal. No big deal at all.
