3:18 p.m. - 01.05.2004
Awe
Today on the way home from the hospital after treatment I was wondering if I believe in "everything happens for a reason." People say it all the time and it's usually about seemingly bad things that happen that are supposed to teach you something or lead you to something good in your life.
I've pretty much always thought that sentiment was a load of hippie crap. Or some stupid christian trying to explain why you should accept your "place in life", you know, life may suck here but you'll find your "reward" in heaven. But I'm thinking lately that certain things may happen for a reason. That maybe certain things are indeed happening in a beautiful, precise order. Maybe not "fate" exactly but definitely related coincidences at the least.
My world has been in a crazy tumble but things may be starting to shake out. I've been thinking about what has happened in my life since I started dealing with this cancer thing (big shocker, I know, I mean I just NEVER write about the cancer). My relationships with people have deepened and improved. I've gotten really, really close with someone who has facilitated me bringing true healing into my life, and not just with the cancer. I'm certainly not all the way there but things are improving.
I also think it was good for me to take a semester off of school. Having to start grad school a semester late was one of the things I was most upset about when I got sick, but now I realize I needed some time off. I had been going for essentially 5 semesters straight if you include summers and I certainly do because they were very intense. I was getting burnt out. I was just getting through it by this summer, not really writing anything out, not getting anything new or good going. But I've set myself up for a very intense, challanging semester and I'm not going to fuck around. I'm going to dive into it and not hold anything back. I'm sure it's going to be messy and tearful and tricky but it's going to be something beautiful.
I got to be around a lot of people for the first time in months this weekend (a going away party) and I was so nervous/excited. It turned out to be wonderful, seeing everyone. I hated to say goodbye to the friend who is moving away, but she'll be back to visit in a few months, so that's good. She'll be free to do what she wants for a few weeks or so and I won't be sickly and all of us will tear up the town.
In terms of the new boy thing: I'm feeling a bit intimidated. He's so fucking smart and interesting and everything, and there's just so much to follow and live up to. He demands we talk about the big questions, scouring life and art for the beauty. I feel transparent, I can't get away with any of the usual bullshit. He truly awes. Yep, that's the correct word: awe.
