1:05 p.m. - 12.17.2003
The Single Digits
Last weekend was good times. I saw the Reiki healer on Friday night and it was an incredible experience. I immediately felt better just entering her apartment, it had a really good vibe. We talked for a little bit before and then got right to it. She put on some "tinkley music" (her words) and I layed down on a massage table. The session lasted for 1 1/2 hours and I definitely felt something happening, but it's hard to describe what. I felt tingling in my body, I felt extremely relaxed with an almost heavy feeling yet I still felt like I was floating. I tried to breathe deeply and just sort of clear my head. All kinds of distracting thoughts were coming at me but I tried to just push them away.
I felt better afterwards, as well as really relaxed. She said parts of my body felt extremely hot and others felt extremely cold. She also sensed a lot of sadness and anger on different sides of my body and she sensed a need to cry more. We talked about different visualizations I should try and some books I could read.
I think there's a lot to this stuff. Before I might have dismissed it right away as hippie crap, but with all the reading I've been doing I'm sure I can use all of these different ways to heal myself. I most definitely hold onto a lot of anger and resentment and I think that's part of the reason I got sick in the first place. It wears you down, carrying all that baggage around. I'm trying to let go of it all, but it's so fucking hard. When I'm sitting around and I start thinking of some hurt I've suffered I'm now trying to mentally thank the person because I had to go through those things to learn, to become who I am today. Dealing with people who have turned out to be bad friends has taught me what a really good friend is, especially all this cancer crap. My real friends have been so infinitely good to me, I appreciate them so much. What the hell would I have done without Caryl, Angie, Beverly, Jenny and Aaron these past 4 months? There are so many others, too, who have been so good to me, keeping me going when I just wanted to give up. I know who I want in my life and who I don't. I want people around me who make me a better person and I'm surrounding myself with those people now.
I might have written it before, but I have to keep reminding myself: this cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not trying to write a Hallmark card or be all sunshiney, it's just true. Of course it's been hard and horrible and painful, but I'm going to come out of it all a better person. I spent so much time worrying about "getting back to normal", but I don't want to go back to who I was. I like lots of things about me but there are lots of things I need to change. Stupid patterns I always find myself in. They need to go.
I have to say C. has helped me a lot with all of this. I was thinking it and feeling it but he helped to bring it out of me. He let me cry, he cried with me and we figured it all out. He makes me aspire to live my life on a higher plane than I have been. I've always been about instant gratification and where has that gotten me? A big fat nowhere. It's time to get on with the good shit in my life.
Only 9 more treatments left. I'm so glad to be in the single digits.
