12:05 p.m. - 12.09.2003
Everything Breaks My Heart
Everything and everyone breaks my heart. I've always been this way. I always remember an empty, hollowed-out feeling somewhere, kind of like a half-asleep thought.
Seeing an old man sitting somewhere by himself, I get sad. Seeing a cute baby that's just learned to walk with blonde curly hair and rosy cheeks, I get sad. Thinking about people who've disappeared on me when they promised they wouldn't, I get sad. Thinking about being alone, I get sad.
You can't look outside yourself for help. And no matter how much people promise you, they can't keep those promises. Learn to live without the promises and just take what can be given; stop wishing for what can't be given.
Everyday I'm trying to stay positive and be grateful for the time I have. I always mean to read, and to do my yoga and to drink the herbal tea that's supposed to boost my immune system, which is really important right now. But the tea DOES taste like dirt and it's way easier to think of what I'm missing instead of reading or doing yoga. Meditating on the good things is my main goal everyday and sometimes it works. Writing today is a step toward that meditation. I wrote a really long entry the other night about my horrible experience at the hospital last Thursday, but Diaryland ate it. I suppose that's a good thing. I mean, really, why should I want to remember it?
