11:17 a.m. - 11.23.2003
wakes/funerals/bailey's on the rocks
I am kind of feeling burst-y with happiness and giddiness right now. The last few days have not been very fun (my uncle died and the past three days have been spent at the wake and funeral, it was a total shocker and very, very fucking sad), however right now I feel so ready for everything to be right. I feel like I'm heading in the right direction, for really. I'm healing and I'm writing and I'm figuring things out.
I got home from the funeral at about 7 pm last night, because you know those Irish funerals last a long fucking time. We were at the funeral home at 9:30, and then to the mass, and then to the funeral luncheon and then onto my aunt's house. Side note: as if I didn't already know, but yesterday confirmed that my family is really fucking loud, especially when they're down in my Aunt's basement drinking beer, Bailey's and whiskey. Anyway, I was super tired when I got home, all the crying and death take a lot out of you. But then I got on the phone and chatted it up for a while with some friends. Then I ate the 2 remaining "special" brownies I was sent home with from last weekend. They were tiny, so maybe it was only like one, but jesus h. christ, was I flying. I was kind of saving them for when the radiation makes me really sick (like in a few weeks) but I said fuck it, we buried my uncle today, I want "special" browines. So, I ate them. Then I talked on the phone to this boy that I really like a lot (but he lives in another city) for over three hours and giggled and told stories and came up with ideas and made with the general merriness. I can still feel that high.
First thing I did when I woke up this morning was bust out the laptop and write the ideas down that I came up with last night. I didn't want to lose them. And now I feel like a door has been opened and I really need to talk to my friend that is writing a play because I think I totally found this element that he would love. He read me a whole section of it the other day and all of a sudden it hit me last night that he so needs to hear this, this will make him laugh.
The past few days were the first time that I've seen my extended family since Operation Cancer started. I was a bit worried about it, that they'd like swarm me and make me talk about cancer for hours and hours. They all told me how "good" I looked, and I kept adding in my mind, "for having cancer." You know, "You look really good...for having cancer." or "You look great...for a girl who doesn't have a uterus anymore!" I mentioned this to my mom this morning and she said they really all meant it, that several people told her that I look so healthy and that my skin was glowing, etc. So I'm decided that I'm taking the fucking compliments, I DO look good, I'm feeling better and after last weekend, as I know I've already written down several times already, I'm ready to heal. I'm already healing. The worst part is over (the surgery) and I'm bringing good things to myself, I feel goodness all around me, and I can feel creation beginning to flow inside me again. It's about freaking time, huh?
