10:40 a.m. - 11.05.2003
Fuck you, you fucking negative thoughts!
I'm feeling better today. I'm off the cross.
I had insane dreams all night long. My dreams lately have all been epic, you know those ones that go on all night. And they all involve people I know in these weird situations. I had one last week where I was arguing with my tall friend A. about the band Pulp. He said they weren't punk and I said they never claimed to be. What the hell kind of dream is that? Last night I dreamed I was at a wedding, two of my friends from camp, whom I've known since we were 12, were getting married. They actually are married, they got married when we were like 22 or something. Anyway, their wedding was at camp in the Lodge. And it was all crazy and all the kid campers were there and I couldn't see anything. This may be because 3 of my old camp friends who I still talk to (Stacey, Jill and Cary) came to visit last week and we looked at old pictures and talked nostalgia. It was such fun, and it was so good to see those girls. We spent summers together from 11 or 12 until I was 18. It was all innocent fun: horses, swimming, bug juice, boats, four square, war (the game), nights in the canteen, singing, "restime", moped rides, etc. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. I'm glad I got to be a kid for as long as I did.
Anyway, that was all just such a tangent. What I intended to write about was some things I've been reading from a book Angie brought me. I'm really trying to remain positive about all this cancer crap (do I sound like a broken record? yes, I know I do, but this is all for me anyway).
"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how"--Nietzsche
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."--Norman Cousins
I was thinking of how negative thinking creates a toxins in your body. I allow far too much negative in my life. I live with so much anger so much of the time, I think of mistakes I've made and perseverate on them constantly. I allow toxic people who don't care about me to remain in my life. I sit around and think about how stupid I've been, how I have no talent for writing, how it's all a farce, etc.
But the bottom line is this: if I can beat cancer I can beat anything, right? If I can get myself healthy again I can stop the toxic thoughts from taking over my brain like they do a great deal of the time.
So that's my fucking thought for the day. Or as Kirk Cameron would say, "And that's one to grow on!"
