9:53 a.m. - 10.29.2003
Four Weeks
Today is four weeks since my surgery. I'm getting around okay, I'm just kind of hobbling about slowly. I was actually able to go out to a movie yesterday! I saw Mystic River and it was really good, but a downer. I love Sean Penn.
I went to the doc on Monday and he said everything is healing well. My incision still hurts a lot, but if I don't make any sudden moves it's not too bad. He did a pelvic exam and said everything is okay in my who-ha, too. I'm going through this whole big thing right now with the insurance company, trying to get them to let me get my radiation and chemo out here by my parent's house instead of having to drive into the city everyday. The radiation is going to be 5 days a week for 5 weeks and it's going to make me very sick. There is no way I will be able to handle being in the car for hours and hours everyday. It took us almost 2 hours to get home from the hospital on Monday because it was rush hour. My parent's house is only about 45 minutes outside of the city, but with traffic it can be insane. So, the insurance company is going to let me know within 48 hours if I can get the treatment out here. My primary doctor had to call them and advocate for it, he said it would be "ridiculous" if they won't let me. But most of my experience with the insurance company has taught me they only care about money. I'm really hoping this works out.
I've been reading up on chemo and radiation, mostly on ways to help the side effects not be so bad. I got a few books on alternative therapies like traditional (particularly Chinese) medicine, herbal therapies and nutritional therapies. I want to try to integrate them into the conventional (poisonious) therapies I'm going to have to undergo.
I figure the more I can get my immune system up and the healthier I can be the better chance I have at beating this cancer bitch. Right now I have a 50% chance of recurrence and I don't like those odds one bit. Fuck that.
I missed my friend's wedding on Sunday. There was just no way I could make the trip or even sit up for that long. I'm just soooo tired all the time, which the doctor said should be expected. But this was two of my best friends wedding, the one I was going to officiate before all this happened. I cried all day Sunday. They called me on Saturday when they were on the way to the rehearsal dinner and I cried like a big baby then, too. I told myself I was going to be tough and not let myself cry to them, I didn't want to put any sort of a cloud over their fun times. But J. told me how much I was missed at everything and that it just wasn't the same without me, which made me feel a little better. But it's something I'll never be able to get back.
All of this missing time in my life just keeps disappearing. I know I need to stand up and hold it to me, to stop it from slipping away. I need to make this time count, by doing something. Writing, reading, spending time with my family and friends, and just being GRATEFUL that I'm alive. I will beat this thing. I will get through the chemo and radiation. And I'll have my life back soon enough. I'm sure I'll be complaining in 3-4 months about how busy I am and how I wish I could just relax.
I do kind of feel like I have a new chance at life. Looking Mr. Death in the eyes will do that to you. I've been evaluating what and who is important in my life. I know I want to write more than anything, but I know I need to fucking do it and stop just talking about it. I know I want to see the world, the whole fucking world.
I know who my real friends are, those people who have been standing beside me this whole time, listening to me cry and making me laugh. I seriously don't know what I would do without them. When my friends visit or call or email it's like I haven't lost my connection to the outside world. It really means so much to me.
A really cool teacher at school sent a packet of readings for me with B. when she came to visit me last week. I'm going to try to follow along with her class a bit and she said I could send her anything that I write. I feel like she tossed me a lifeline, now I have motivation to get something done, knowing that there is someone out there who is willing and waiting to read my stuff. It really helped me out. Now when I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself I can get off my ass and do some real work!
I miss music soooo much! There are a bunch of records that have some out in the past month or two that I really need to get my hands on. I've missed a lot of shows, and I'm going to miss the Mojave 3 show on Thursday. Ugh. Oh well. That's all for now.
