10:57 a.m. - 10.15.2003
The Update
Thanks to everyone for the get well messages. It's hurts for me to sit at the computer for very long so this update will be brief.
It's two weeks today since my surgery. I am now able to get up on my own and move around, but it's hard to do. I got out of the hospital last Monday, so I was in for like 6 days. My incision is starting to heal and I got the staples out (ugh) this Monday, so it doesn't hurt quite as much when I move. The incision starts just below my belly button and goes down about 5 inches or so. Maybe more. Anyway, it's gross. And it itches like crazy and burns and stings, but it's getting a little better every day. I had no idea it would really be this bad.
I had to go to the doctor this Monday (to get the aforementioned staples out) and I got some really bad news. The originally told me my cancer was a Stage 1B, Grade 2. But now it turns out it is a stage 3A (stage 4 is terminal) because they found some cancer in one of my ovaries (which are gone). So, I have to have a full course of radiation and chemo, which means I will be really sick until the end of the year. There is a 50% chance of the cancer recurring if I don't do the radiation and chemo, I just can't take that chance.
I feel like I'm a black hole and I just keep going deeper in. I can't sleep at night and I just feel hopeless, which intellectually I know is silly because it could have been a lot worse. I'll feel fine for a while and then I won't be able to stop crying. I'm a total mess, physically and mentally.
My friends and family have been so great. I've gotten so many visits and flowers and books and movies and cards and phone calls and emails. It's really been the only thing that has kept me going. People that I haven't spoken to in a long time are coming out of the woodwork and it's so nice to feel loved and supported. Situations like this really show people's true colors (and true feelings) and everyone around me is beautiful.
I'm trying to be strong and remember that no matter how bad things may seem for me there are people out there who have it a lot worse, right? And my situation could be a lot worse, too. It's hard to remember that at 3 am when I wake up covered in sweat (it's disgusting going through surgical menopause) and in pain, but I'm trying.
This is the first thing I've written since the surgery. I keep thinking of a ton of stuff I should be writing down, but I haven't done it yet. I have an idea for a play that might work out.
A friend of mine told me a few weeks ago that everyone goes through horrible situations and the thing that makes you who you are is how you handle it, and she's right. I'm trying to focus on that, on making my true colors are beautiful, too. I'm trying to keep the whining down to a minimum, okay?
I need to go lay down now, maybe read some and wait for it to be 3 pm so I can watch my new favorite show Camp Jim on MTV. Cable is one of the benefits of staying at my parents house.
