8:06 p.m. - 09.29.2003
More of the same
My friend drove out to my parent's house this weekend to take me an a little excursion to try to alleviate some of my stress/fear/boredom. So, we went to the mall to get me some lounging around being sick clothes, books, etc. I got very tired very quickly and had to sit down on one of those mall benches while she went and got the car. I was sitting there trying to feel some sort of consumer after glow and it just wouldn't come. Instead I sat there looking at all the mothers with cute little kids walking on by and I just started balling. Yes, right there in the middle of the Sears children's department. It's not like I even ever had some big dream for children. I just always thought "probably not" but if I ever met some great father-material guy that would change. But there was this little girl with blonde curly hair and big green eyes and pink overalls that headed right towards me, waving and saying "hi, hi, hi!" and I swore she could have been mine.
I've been having nightmare the past three nights. I wake up on the operating table and there are tons of faceless doctors around me, all in those green surgery outfits with the masks like you see in the movies. All the lights are on and they're in my eyes and I can't see anyone's face. They keep telling me, "It's spread, it's spread, it's spread," all together, in a whisper. And they won't let me move and they won't let me talk and I wake up in puddles of sweat and I can't breathe and I'm sobbing.
I'm not a prophet, and I'm trying to remain as positive as possible but I just don't have a good feeling about this.
My sister drove me to my best friend's wedding shower yesterday. It was an hour and a half drive from my parent's house, and I felt like hell, but I know I won't be able to go to the wedding now so I made myself go. It was fun to see everyone but I was on the verge of tears the whole time. I actually did break down like a fool on my way out. I tried so, so, so hard not to cry, I didn't want her to even think about all this crap with me on the day of her shower when it's all supposed to be good times and fun. I felt like such a jerk.
I'm scared. I'm rambling. And this will be the last time I update before my surgery on Wednesday morning. Nothing profound, nothing wise, just fear.
