10:30 a.m. - 09.23.2003
The hits keep on coming
I had my appointment with the cancer (oncologist) yesterday. I got the worst news I could possibly get. They have to perform a radical hysterectomy which means they will remove my uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes, ovaries and lymph nodes. The surgery is scheduled for Wednesday, October 1.
The thing I am most scared of is that I won't even feel like a girl anymore. Isn't that what makes you a girl? I'm going to be like an old IT, not even an old woman. I need to do more research on exactly what's going to happen to me. I know menopause brings hot flashes but I'm not sure what else. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my sex drive. I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life.
I am so, so scared right now. Luckily the doctor gave me a prescription for Xanex yesterday for anxiety which helps to knock me out at night. So I finally was able to sleep a full 8 hours last night. I've only been sleeping 2-3 hours a night. Today I feel better and I'm sure it's because of the sleep.
I can't help but think who is ever going to want me again. I obviously can't have children and I'm going to be half a woman. I'm not trying to be dramatic, it's just how I feel. And that's what my diary is for, my fears, no matter how stupid they sound to somebody else.
My friends have been great. Everyone's been calling and visiting, which has helped a lot. I also want to say thanks to all you Dland people who have been emailing me and leaving me notes and messages in the guestbook. It helps to know that people are thinking about you when you're feeling like this, facing up to the fact that you're 33 years old and you have cancer. My friends were in and out of my parent's house all weekend and calling constantly (special thanks to my girl Beverly for letting everyone at school know what's going on). I guess I can tell who really cares about me now and who just says it because it sounds like the right thing to say.
I am so depressed because I was supposed to start school yesterday. I was really looking forward to finally being in grad school. I was really looking forward to spending time with my friends.
My friend Aaron is coming by today because he's working close to my parent's house. We're going to watch The Complete Jam Dvd.
