12:40 p.m. - 09.15.2003
Guts
I'm finally registered for classes, which start next week on Monday. I had to get up super early today and go downtown to meet with the Chair of my department, who is really cool. We couldn't ask for anyone better than him, for really. Anyway, I hung around school for a while this morning getting everything straightened out. My summer tuition is now paid, I returned the library books I've had since March and all my forms are filed at the Graduate School office. And I already got my book voucher so I don't have to wait in line at the Financial Aid office for hours next week with all the other suckers.
I'm excited about school starting and in a good mood about school in general. I'm looking forward to getting off my ass and writing again. I'm really looking forward to meeting new people as well. And, as much as I hate to admit it, having a schedule is good for me. If I'm left to my own devices 5 days a week I either:
A. Get really depressed
B. Do things I really, really shouldn't do
C. Spend money I don't have
D. Or, all of the above
I admit to a heavy dose of all of the above this summer. Remind me I was lamenting not having a regular schedule when I start bitching in a few weeks about how I have TOO much to do...
Miss B's birthday party on Saturday was good times. I got to see a bunch of my friends from school that I've missed all summer. (They're another reason I'm looking forward to classes starting.) I got home around 2ish and then proceeded to get myself into trouble over the phone (I don't want to expand on that cryptic statement).
Now, in other stream of conscious thinking...
I do have to ask myself what the hell my problem is, though. What is wrong with me that makes me do the stupid shit I do where boys/sex are concerned? I guess it's because I try to remain hopeful even when I'm face to face with the opposite of what I want. I take scraps of touch when I should hold out for what I need.
The thing with D. could have worked out, I know it could have, if I wasn't such a scared baby. I looked for things to pick out that I could use as an excuse to run away. And I did just that, I ran away full force when things could probably have been salvaged.
This current thing with R. is doomed. Certain aspects of the "relationship" are good, but I know there are some things I want that he just can't give me.
R. will never be enough for me, which leads me to the next thing, where I'll never be enough for a different him.
I think this mood has been brought on by too much thinking. I have been locked inside my head since a few Thursdays ago with all these questions swimming around, questions for which I will most certainly never receive an answer. I've mostly accepted that's the way it will always be. They still burn me, though.
But there is one question I can't stop myself from obsessing over: why not me? Why her and not me? Or why her & her and never me?
Casual remarks cut me to the bone, even now. Remarks about un-singular nights that have probably already been forgotten.
But I can't forget them because they wake me up at night, laughing at me in my stupidity and bleeding heart-ness.
I'm trying to lock it all away, I really, truly am. But sometimes it all just spills out, my guts lying on the ground all around me.
Don't you just hate your guts sometimes?
